My dad...

*I have edited this post about 5 times now..... this is our story.....

So, my dad died on the 21st of December. I knew it was coming but It never occurred to me that I would never see him or talk to him again. We weren't close at all but we did talk once a week.

My parents got divorced when I was 5 and we saw my dad every other weekend. When I was 9 my mom got transferred to Georgia so we only saw dad during the summer. I think he liked this arrangement best.
I never had the relationship that most of my friends had with their dads... I can't remember my dad telling me he loved me or giving me a hug just because. The first time I remember him telling me that he loved me was after I got married and that was me telling him first. ( Darren had been on me to improve our relationship) We would hug at the beginning of visits and at the end. He actually told me later in life that he never knew what to say to me b/c we had nothing in common.... I was a girl. He hurt me so many times growing up but that doesn't change the fact that he was my dad and I truly loved him.

He really tried to have a relationship with me after I got married. He came to see us while we were in Germany and we had a great week together. When he was healthy he was a great grandfather. He came for a visit every year and would play with them, read to them, go for walks with them.... he was the dad I had always wanted. I think he kinda thought he was getting a do over. He became soft and I think he realized he had missed out on a lot of my life.

The last time he came down here was in March and he just wasn't the same. He didn't have the energy and just seemed really old to me. So after he left I started trying to get info out of him. It was like pulling teeth trying to talk to him. I planned a trip for the girls and I to go up in July. A week before we were supposed to go up there he told me he didn't know how long he had... I said, "how long you have for what"and he said "I'm dying Tracey". That's how he told me. He was a man of many words!!
When I saw him he had aged 20 years easily. We talked about his wishes and I told him I didn't want him to die and he said well I'm gonna. I said everything I needed to say to him in one afternoon and I even reached out and rubbed his arm.

He was trying to get down here to live for the winter months but I think we both knew once he got here he would never go back. On the 17th of November his doctor told him he thought he should have a liver transplant. He set up and appointment with the Mayo clinic to see if he would be a candidate. The appointment was set for the 29th of December.... he never made it.
The last week he was in the hospital his family rallied around him. His sister Kathy was with him the most and they were able to spend some good quality time together before he became non responsive. Then Cecelia( x-wife who he loved more than anything) sat with him a couple of the days. His brother made it the day before he died and was able to say goodbye. When he took his last breath his baby sister who thought of him like a dad was holding his hand. I had been worried about two things ever since he told me he was dying that he would die heartbroken and alone. I think God knew that and took care of that for me.

He wanted to be cremated and he didn't want a funeral.... I had asked him if we could at least celebrate his life and he said I don't care ~ do what you want. So we had a Celebration of Life Ceremony on the 28th of December. We had pictures laying on a table that really told the story of his life. It was really nice and there was just under 200 people there. I was so proud that many people were there because they loved my dad. As I looked around the room I couldn't help but think that all these people knew my dad better than I did. They got the best part of him and his family got the scraps.... two different people said to me he was a great friend but not a good dad... huh. I can't explain how good that made me feel, it was like they gave me permission to feel the way I was feeling. They got it right... he wasn't a good dad but he did love us. He would have approved of the way everything was handled and his two sisters took care of the food and everything was perfect. I don't know what I would have done without them.

Now that we are back home, Shane and I are trying to get all of his affairs in order. I have been going through boxes and I have come across so many pictures of him with friends and of him as a young Sergent in the Air Force... I see a stranger that never let me in and it makes me sad. I do have some fond memories and he was my dad good or bad and I loved him. I have realized that he did the best that he could do. He gave all that he could, it just wasn't in him to give anymore.

We were both on the verge of tears...

Dad reading to Riley (3)

Riley was 4 and Reagan was 6 mos

This was one of his favorite pass times with Riley

Me and Dad in July 08

I have picked up the phone to call him several times this week, reality has set in and I'm kind of in shock that he is gone. I'm so sad that his last eight months were so hard on him and I'm sad he threw his life away on alcohol. I feel so sorry for the way his life turned out. I know it was all self induced, but I still feel sorry for him. I am going to miss him.

I'm just rambling now so I'm going to quit. I have more pictures from his life that I want to share but these were the only ones handy.